Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
