Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
