hell yes lets make some ravioli
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
