So drunk its hurt
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
