My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
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