She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
