9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
