I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
