Have you finally orgasmed yet?
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
