she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
