ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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