So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
