I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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