tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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