So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
