how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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