true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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