he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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