So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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