Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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