The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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