It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize