Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
