There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
