I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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