My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
