paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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