i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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