I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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