mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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