my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
