I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
