as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All the doctor said was why
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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