if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You can't motorboat a personality
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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