where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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