and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
