we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize