i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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