I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize