you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
