Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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