You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
