the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Someone signed my nipple.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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