if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
