Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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