i always forget guys have bellybuttons
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
