There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
