One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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