Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize