he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
