my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
