Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
