grandma shit on top of the toilet
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
