just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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