my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
