i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize