it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
