Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
