Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
