How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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