She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
