Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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