proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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