too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
