Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
