Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
